Day 16 :: Take off your bra
"You know, my whole life I have battled depression. I cannot begin to number the minutes, hours, days and weeks I have spent leaning toward and even longing for death. Between the ages of 14 and 23 things were really wicked. When I think back to how much I didn’t want to live, how much I hurt, how alone I felt, it is overwhelming to contemplate. There are not adequate words to capture the feelings of despair, hopelessness, emotional paralysis and heaviness I carried around with me. As I got older, the feelings gradually faded to somewhere between a dull roar and a barely audible buzz in my subconscious. I’ve spent lots of time and money on counselors, had teary talks with my friends, and yearned to reach a place of ‘normalcy’.
I decided recently that the way I felt about my life and my family was hindered by coming from the eyes of a depressed person. I decided that my children deserve better. I decided that my partner deserves better. I decided that I deserve better. I talked in depth with a close friend who’d had superb success with a specific nutritional & supplemental regime. As I’ve researched and written out my plan I’ve felt a mixture of terror and hope. Upon hearing this, my dear friend warned me to make no mistake; this would be a pruning process. I would have to cut off and let go parts of myself that I had carefully nurtured, loved and coaxed into being. Even some of my cherished fruit bearing branches would have to go.
Change never comes without, well, change. I’m okay with that. If I had 37 days to live I would want to spend one day a week alone–or at least without my children and partner being the focus of my day. I would like to laugh with my children as much as possible. I would also strive to find ways to say “yes” with my children, instead of ways to say “no”. I would like to rekindle my love affair with music, books, and good food and share that with my family. I would ask more questions. I would breathe with deliberate intention. I would not wear a bra. I would not take a whirlwind trip around the world, see the Louvre, scuba dive in Australia or see the Pyramids. As much as I would love to have those experiences, I think I would rather have my last days filled with peace, loved ones, sitting on the porch sipping my ice cold beverage, waving at the neighbors, watching the sunset, harvesting food from my garden, playing games, and telling stories. This is the most important thing I can do; I choose to live. With only 37 days the focus would be on living my life with life in mind. I have already spent too much time and energy laboring toward death. If death comes today, next month, next year or many years from now, I want my sights to be on life."
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Vicki CarverI wonder how our lives would change if we all breathed with deliberate intention.
I loved the statement: "I wouldn’t wear a bra." That’s a metaphor for me of the kinds of social constraints we feel, the pressure to be successful in tangibly measurable way, the ability to "measure up" and be recognized, to be held in. Those needs all fall away in these 37 days, don’t they? Like Frances, I too wonder why we don’t take off that "bra" now instead of at the end of our lives?
For sharing her story–one of darkness and light–a copy of Life is a Verb will be sent to Vicki with my love. If you’d like to share your answer to the question, "What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?", email it to me with a photo and your address. The authors whose essays are posted before the publication date of the book (Sept 2) will receive a signed copy of Life is a Verb in the mail, all magic like.
