Three Phrases to Use in an Argument

April 6, 2023 in orange desk

photo of hand sining the number 3 in ASL

As you read this, I am in the second day of a two-day intensive workshop in South Carolina intended to introduce me to weaving in a way I can understand, unlike the last weaving class I took, which made my head explode right off. Please light candles for the math parts.

A friend recently suggested I teach a class on “how to respond” to people. I’ll be honest–I’m considering it. I think we have lost our way in terms of responses to others–by debating instead of having a dialogue, by giving up our own boundaries because it is so painfully hard to say “no” to someone, by focusing on “winning,” and just, in general, getting so invested in a disagreement with someone random on the internet machine or someone we love, that we lose sight of the fact that none of this matters, not really. Detachment is a beautiful thing. If I can’t see the argument from out a plane window, or from space, it’s likely not worth the energy it takes to argue. Being a faux-Buddhist is in my blood. But I digress.

I listened to a trial attorney named Jefferson Fisher talk recently about three things to incorporate if you are having a disagreement with someone and want to keep them from getting defensive. I think they’re genius. Here they are:

1. Start with what you agree on. Use the phrase “I agree.” This doesn’t mean you agree with their point of view, but you can incorporate this phrase in some macro way, like, “I agree that this is a subject worth talking about” or “I agree that we should talk about this.” People want to hear that you agree at some level, and this will help take down their wall.

2. Tell them what you’ve learned. Use the phrase “I’ve learned.” For example, “After listening, I’ve learned that this topic is really important to you” or “I’ve learned something that I want to think about a bit more.” People want to believe they are able to teach you something. This also reduces defensiveness.

3. And use the phrase “That’s helpful to know.” At the end of the day, people want to believe that they have helped you understand them, and they’ll be more invested in what you have to say.

Give it a shot! (And I’ll get back to you on my possible “how to respond” class!)

About Patti Digh

Patti Digh is an author, speaker, and educator who builds learning communities and gets to the heart of difficult topics. Her work over the last three decades has focused on diversity, inclusion, social justice, and living and working mindfully. She has developed diversity strategies and educational programming for major nonprofit and corporate organizations and has been a featured speaker at many national and international conferences.