the widow maker

myheart-foox_web-1

“My Heart” by Foox, 2010

I learned at cardiac rehab this week that my artery that was 90% blocked was the infamous “Widow Maker,” so named because it is responsible for those sudden deaths that come on without any warning. I told John and he said we talked about this in the hospital, that the cardiologist had called it that; I have no memory of that conversation. I also learned that 90% of people who have a heart attack outside of a hospital setting die.

I’m feeling very lucky right now.

Very, very lucky.

Extremely lucky.

Because luck is all that can account for my living while so many other die of exactly the same thing. It is lucky that I had a warning sign. It is lucky that I wasn’t driving to Savannah as planned that day. It is lucky I called 9-1-1 instead of listening to my doctor who told me I was just anxious.

I am trying to remember that luckiness every day. It slips away, sometimes, in the midst of a meltdown or a seeming crisis of some kind. It slips away, sometimes, in the midst of panic about work or money or family or the future of the United States or global warming. It slips away, sometimes, in the midst of all life throws at me, at all of us. It slips away, sometimes.

But I am working hard to remember it, filling out my 5-minute journal every morning and every evening in order to remember. I am working hard to remember it, looking in the mirror at the living me, now thinning by recovery and cardiac rehab. I am working hard to remember it as I purposefully eliminate heart attack triggers from my life, such as high blood pressure and being overweight, by walking daily, doing yoga, meditation, acupuncture, and more. I am working this like a job. And I am working hard to remember that I am lucky, in the best and worst minutes of the day.

I almost wasn’t here, gone. Had symptoms not announced themselves at 90% blocked, I wouldn’t be or wouldn’t be for much longer, without ever even knowing. I discounted this until now, thinking the whole event was no big deal.

The Widow Maker is not only responsible for those sudden death heart attacks, but also for great damage to the heart if you live. “Your blockage was so high that a huge portion of your heart would have been damaged without this warning series of heart attacks,” the cardiologist said. Instead, I have little or no damage to my heart. I have a great chance at a full recovery.

I thought being a vegetarian for 40 years would save me from any of this, but the doctors just shook their heads when I mentioned that, each saying “genes.” Having a father dead at 53 from heart disease caught up to me at 56, vegetarian or no vegetarian diet. Now vegan, I’m determined to reverse it to avoid other artery blockages, of which I already have another one, the doctors tell me.

Time will tell. This time, I was so lucky that it scares me.

It scared me into taking cardiac rehab very seriously, into transitioning to a vegan diet which has been shown to reverse coronary heart disease, into meditating and doing yoga for stress and trauma relief, into monitoring my blood pressure like it is the stock exchange or Johnny Depp’s travel schedule.

Life is just this tenuous every single day. For all of us.

What changes when death comes knocking? Many studies have shown that what changes is one of two things: 1) Nothing; or 2) Everything.

I choose everything.

 

 

About Patti Digh

Patti Digh is an author, speaker, and educator who builds learning communities and gets to the heart of difficult topics. Her work over the last three decades has focused on diversity, inclusion, social justice, and living and working mindfully. She has developed diversity strategies and educational programming for major nonprofit and corporate organizations and has been a featured speaker at many national and international conferences.

23 comments to " the widow maker "
  • Leigh

    Heart issues can make one very aware. After being a vegetarian for 30+ years, I had a hemorrhagic stroke at age 56 (genes). So many life changes–very similar to yours– Because, like you– I was lucky and got another shot at this life. And, also like you, I’m not ready to end this. I’ve chosen Everything. We’re not done yet.

  • Ellen Lambert

    Here’s my encouragement — my husband survived his widow maker of 12-7-94. 21+ years later we’re rockin’ along living La Vida Loca. It was a remarkable wake-up call we’re both so thankful for — it’s made us appreciate everything

  • Claire L Turner

    Thank you for still being among us! If you’re comfortable, would you share your symptoms and describe the subtle but strong sense that made you call 9-1-1 ?

  • beautifully written Patti.
    Everything happens for a reason and your time is not yet come as you have more to do in this life. I am sure others, like me, are grateful for that.

  • Jackie

    Having come close to death my self about this time last year, I get the challenge of always remembering that we are lucky. It’s easy to feel the crappy stuff, to be resentful of the things we have to do and the things we want to do and can’t yet. I write 2 pages of Thank You every morning to help me remember everything I have to be grateful for.

  • Tana

    I have become aware of the great blessings of good genetics, which I have in abundance, unless you count the addiction gene and the thing with the rheumatoid arthritis. My mother is 78. I talked to her last night, hours and hours after she’d had a 10-inch incision in her spine for them to “take out the damn cyst! I told them exactly where it is, and as soon as it’s gone, I can walk again!”

    Well, bless HER heart, and the heart of the not-nice-but-handsome-and-skilled surgeon at Emory who found and removed the cyst from her spine.

    “I’m a tough old bird,” she said, contentedly. Lucky? Yes. I feel lucky, don’t I, punk?

  • Your scare sent me to the doctor for a full physical and I am making changes. Thank you.

  • Echoes of deepest understanding it all – everything! Echoes with the deepest moment by moment love, respect, gratitude for our hearts, keeping movement, metaphor, momentum…life’s rhythm.

  • radha sahar

    Just vegan won’t work … but a certain sort of vegan has proven success – the Plant Based Wholefood (low fat) eating plan from Dr Caldwell Esselstyn (ex Cleveland clinic heart surgeon). Do read his book -Prevent & Reverse Heart disease. Make sure you’re very strict on it … There are several medical people in high places implementing it and they are supportive of one another – Dr Dean Ornish, for instance, who supervised President Clinton on it – success – had his stents taken out too …

  • Caroline

    Patti – Thanks so muchfor telling your story, and for showing us how to see the good in difficult things.

    On the vegan diet – I went lowfat vegan 2 years ago to address blood sugar (it worked). I have always been a wide-ranging, adventurous eater, and thought the transition would be really tough. Once I got past the initial mindset of “I have to do this or I’ll die”, which is pretty grim and not conducive to enjoyment, I looked around and noticed a lot of great foods I’d been missing because, well, meat and cheese took my attention. All of this to say – it can be kind of an adventure, and an exploration. Be kind to yourself on it – you don’t have to be a perfect vegan to be doing yourself a lot of good.

    Thanks for your mention of the 5 Minute Journal – I am going to look into that.

    • Thanks for the reminder about perfection – and also about the mindset. I am sure that I will be better served by “I will live longer” rather than “If I don’t, I will die,” and appreciate that reminder.

  • I’m in my studio today writing about CLOGS and took a break only to come upon this, of course! Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had major plumbing issues that just about sent me over the edge this week until I received word that my dearest aunt was being rushed to the hospital after having a heart attack. These stories combined with yours (and the fact that I’ve put on weight and feel crappy) are bringing me through breakthroughs that have been a long time coming. I know we’ve never met, but I just love you Patti. I’m soooooo damn glad you are still here to share all your wisdom and wit. You make my days better.

  • Jean S

    It’s quite possible that your vegetarian diet might have made the difference between having a heart attack at 56 vs. having one at, say, 50, especially given the stress load you’ve been carrying lo these many many moons. At any rate, you’re on the right track now.

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