I am not raising a badass Marine
I want to share something in this safe space, with one request – that in any discussion we have about this, we not denigrate the person who sent me these messages. Obviously this is a lot more about her than about me. I am sharing it because I believe many parents of kids with special needs get messages similar to these (if not as random and from total strangers, like this was), and, frankly, they are hard to dismiss in our hearts, even if our minds recognize them for what they are.
I was taken aback by a post on my Facebook wall a month ago by someone on my friend list. Not someone I’ve met or know, but a relative stranger asking if I had ever been tested because some of my behaviors seemed to indicate I, too, had Autism. As if that was a bad thing. The particulars of that elongated and odd interchange are really unimportant; suffice it to say that it was off-balanced and presumptive and passive aggressive: “Please don’t take this the wrong way…” And out of the blue.
I took the conversation into private messages because what I needed to say wasn’t public fodder. And here is the conversation that ensued, verbatim:
Me: Hi – thanks for your note tonight. I think my Facebook messages bother you, given your note tonight and earlier responses you have had to me. Given that, I think it is best that we disconnect on this medium. All the best for the future. -patti
Her: I am unimpressed with you. And I am VERY unimpressed with your parenting your daughter to be prepared for life. Done.
Me: _______, you don’t know me, and you have no idea what I am doing to prepare my daughter for life.
Her: Well, gee, Patti – you blast it all over social media.
Me: I have no idea what has triggered this, but I wish you well.
Her: I feel sorry for her. She will NOT be prepared for life after you and “Mr. Brllliant”.
Me: I have no idea what you mean, truthfully.
Her: Oh, yes you do.
Me: Actually, I don’t. But I don’t feel the need to explain myself to you, given your attitude.
Her: Our job, as parents, is to raise, and prepare, our children for life. You are sheltering Tess. You are old. You will die. Tess will be unprepared to live in society.
Me: Please don’t take this the wrong way, but you have no idea what we are doing for Tess, how we are planning for the future. Thanks for your opinion, and goodbye.
Her: I do hope, in the background and not what you post on FaceBook (ie, the sad costumes) that she really does have your best interest at heart. I raised my son all by myself, since he was 4 months old, due to domestic violence by his father.
Me: I’m so sorry. I know that was hard.
Her: He finished in the top 8% of his high school graduating class, and immediately enlisted to be a badass US Marine. My point is that I prepared him for life and I hope that you prepare Tess, with her limitations, to be a successful adult.
Me: That’s fantastic. Please don’t assume from social media that you know about another parent’s journey. It is dangerous to do so, and insulting.
Her: Dangerous???????????????????? Is that a threat ???????????????????????????????????????????///
Me: oh my god, no. seriously? it causes harm – that’s all I meant to say.
Her: ok. documented
Me: Oh wow. Okay, goodbye. All the best.
Her: see ya. I wish the best for Tess and her life beyond your sheltered one.
I would venture to say that anytime we judge other people, we are belittling them–and ourselves. We can either judge or learn, but we have to choose between those two things because we cannot do them both at the same time.
No parent needs this kind of “input.” Even if you have the best of intentions.
In the public forum, she had asked another time if I had ever considered that we are old and are going to die and leave Emma and Tess alone in the world. Really? I ONLY THINK ABOUT THIS EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE.
I don’t know what this was, truthfully. It isn’t the first time it has happened, and I guess I am glad that each time, I am shocked at this kind of presumptive anger about something that has no bearing on their life–I prefer to feel this kind of anger for racial injustice and kids all around us who are starving and unloved.
Not for a little girl with Autism who can go out into the world now because she has a mask that enables her, paradoxically, to be seen.
I am not raising a badass Marine, but two girls I hope will stand up for what they believe in, who will live their lives looking for opportunities to help others, who will find great joy and follow their hearts, no matter what paths they take, no matter if they choose to become badass Marines. I am raising two girls who I hope will be their best selves, whatever that means to them.
Seek first to understand. If you are not inside the path of a parent with a child with disabilities, please seek first to understand before judging. Please offer a hand of simple grace, not vitriol at things you cannot know. When you see an overwhelmed parent, step forward and simply ask if there is anything, anything you can do to help. Say “I understand this is hard,” or simply, “I see you. I’m here for you,” not, “you do not impress me.”
Please save your anger and righteousness for things that matter in a much, much larger sense of the word.
And sometimes, might I be so bold?, you need to shut the fuck up. Not everything you think about the job other parents are doing needs to be said. How dare you presume it does.