book stack tuesday : nerdy, shy, and socially inappropriate

One day as I sat in Malaprop’s bookshop in downtown Asheville, NC, I saw a man fall into the street and hit his head on the curb. I ran out to see if I could help, surprised at the people looking at him but not moving to help him. As I got to him, I heard several people whisper that he must be drunk. Drunk or not, he hit his head. I helped him to his feet and got him into Malaprop’s to my table so he could recover a bit.

He wasn’t drunk, though he said that many people say that about him. He had a neurological disorder that made it difficult for him to walk. His aide had just gone to park the car and would be looking for him.

So many times, we assume. We don’t know, so we fill in the spaces with our own story: A man falling into the street at 10am? Must be drunk; let’s steer clear.

I’ve known this from the inside out, taking Tess to restaurants or parades or shopping, and having people assume she is spoiled and that we are terrible parents just by her reactions to things, by her meltdowns. Or assuming she is bad in some fundamental way and, as was the case in the first grade, just needs to be punished by running laps at recess.

What if that weren’t the story?

Could we care enough to find out?

I have a library of books about Asperger’s Syndrome, some helpful, some not.

The best are by Catherine Faherty–workbooks we can go through with Tess, or that she can do alone, to enable her to tell us what she needs, and by so doing, telling us about her.

And now this one, Nerdy, Shy, and Socially Inappropriate, by Cynthia Kim who writes the blog, Musings of an Aspie.

I believe, as Percy Walker has said, that we read to validate our existence in some way. We see ourselves in the words we read that others have written, like knowing exactly what the prisoner in War and Peace feels when he says to the man who will execute him, “but you can’t do this… you have no idea what my life means to me.”

What Cynthia Kim has done for me is not only tell her story, but teach me about Asperger’s in the process, and help me relate Tess’ journey in a way I can understand and embrace. Each human’s experience of life is different, and people with Autism are no exception: As many say, “if you know one person with Autism, you know one person with Autism.” Just as I am not like other left-handed Quaker/Buddhist vegetarians, so Tess is not like every other Aspie.

I am tired of books and organizations that tell me Tess is damaged in some way, inferior, needs to be “fixed” or cured. Tess has two t-shirts she has nearly worn out, one that she designed herself just after being diagnosed at 9 years old: “I’m an Aspie, and I’m proud of it,” and another designed by an Aspie acquaintance that reads, “Neurodiversity” with an awesome diagram of a brain beneath it. If Tess can “get” this elemental truth about difference, I wonder why so many others cannot.

This book combines personal story with information that goes beyond the personal. It is accessible to me–I can appreciate her wit and her honesty in looking at some of the most challenging and intractable aspects of being autistic from her own perspective. Diagnosed as an adult, she describes how her perspective shifted to understanding a previously confusing world and combines this with extensive research to explore the ‘why’ of ASD traits. As noted on Goodreads, “She explains how they impact on everything from self-care to holding down a job and offers typically practical and creative strategies to help manage them, including a section on the vestibular, sensory and social benefits of martial arts for people with autism. Rich with personal anecdotes and useful advice, this intelligent insider guide will be helpful to adults with ASDs and their partners and family members, friends, colleagues and professionals working with people with autism, as well as anyone exploring whether they may be on the spectrum.”

We need books like this to know we are not alone.

We need books like this to show us a way to understand.

We need books like this to help us look beyond the surfaces.

This is a book I will keep handy and re-read, pen in hand. Already it has enlarged my vision of what life might be like for Tess and beyond, now and in the future.