Loosen your grip
In mid-May, I hosted one of my virtual writing retreats for women. I always fall in love with the women who arrive for these retreats; each gathering has its own magic, language, and feel. And at the end of each one, we all want it to continue forever, that community, those understandings, and that luscious vulnerability. But, of course, it ends. And all things end. They morph into other forms. And the only thing that makes us suffer is our desire to keep that particular form of magic going. To bottle it up.
Bottling things can deprive them of the oxygen they need to breathe. We also want relationships to remain the same sometimes, or we don’t want people in our lives to die, and we sometimes rebel from an ego place when someone grows and leaves us behind. The ego is a harsh master. When Emma was leaving for college, I realized that if I placed the emphasis on ME, it might feel like a loss and be filled with tears. But if I placed the emphasis on HER, I was filled with excitement for her as she launched out into the world, starting the life she would live apart from me, though still heart-connected. It made all the difference to drop my ego needs and embrace her new adventure.
When people move on, be happy for their growth. Let them grow and change. Respect that they know what they need. Often, they are moving TOWARD something they need, not AWAY from you. We all need different things at different parts of our lives. After some unnecessary drama this week in the horse world, my friend Em Radmacher sent me this message: “It is a common demand—stay as you are so that I can be comfortable with who I am. Substantial growth severs a lot of relationships.”
She is so right on. Allow the people around you to breathe and grow. Be happy for their successes. A friend’s dad said this week to her, about a sticky work situation that was stickier than it need be: “You are an asset until you are competition.” That rang so true for me as I pondered my working career. And the boss who sees beyond that is rare indeed.
When parents reject their children because they have become their own, real person, they are operating from ego. And that is a hell of a place to parent from. A lot of gay and trans kids suffer when that happens. I suffered as a teenager when my parents’ egos were in danger because I had a Black boyfriend. “What would people say?” had become more important to them than my happiness. We all have examples of this mistake of letting the ego lead. There is a big cost to that.
Practice loosening your grip on your own ego this week. See what happens when you live life with a light touch.
