Eulogy for a friend.

Eulogy for Laurie Foley

12 March 2016

by Patti Digh

When you stand at the edge of the Grand Canyon, it is huge and deep and wide, and awe-inspiring. And then you take a photo of it, as most people do, to validate your presence there. But when you get home and look at that photograph, there is no way it can even approximate the depth and width and sheer grandeur of what you experienced there. It cannot take it all in; you are left with a sliver of it.

That is what my words feel like today – just a mere snapshot of a life so meaningful that it cannot be contained in language. But in this simple snapshot, my hope is that the depth and breadth of our shared loss will be magnified and illuminated like a setting sun over the rim of the Grand Canyon, for we have suffered a trauma, a collective and very individual trauma. And none of us have suffered this trauma as deeply as Laurie’s beloved family. And so, these insufficient yet heartfelt words are dedicated to them.

I was honored and undone when Laurie asked in December if I would speak at her funeral. I said “yes, of course,” amidst many tears between us. And I desperately hoped we would never get here, that this day would continue to elude us, always a few steps ahead of us. But we are fully here now.

The service to this point has covered the glorious life Laurie has gone on to – and I am thankful for the church covering that part, because my part is different. My part is a very deeply human, “I want her back here with me.” My part is, “I want to hear her voice again.” My part is, what a treasure we have lost.

Grief is the long aftermath of love, the internal work of knowing, holding, more fully valuing what we have lost, said poet Mark Doty. What have we lost? We all know the answer to this question, and that is why we are here.

That is why people around the world are sitting at this moment with candles lit, in honor and memory of Laurie Foley.

I would like to speak about four things we have lost in her dying:

Laurie Foley was a true witness

A family went to a restaurant one night and after the parents placed their orders, their five-year-old daughter said, “I”ll have a hot dog, fries, and a Coke!” The father immediately said “Ohhhh, no she won’t. She’ll have meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and milk.” The waitress smiled and paused a moment, then turned back to the little girl and said, “Hon, what would you like on your hotdog?” The family sat in stunned silence as the waitress walked away with the order, until the little girl, eyes bright, said, “She thinks I’m real!”

Laurie Foley made everyone feel seen and real, the kind of real where you are worthy of being witnessed, the kind of real where you are worthy of being listened to, deeply, the kind of real where you become your best self, trusting in her confidence. Laurie engaged with all of us as if we were just as real as we could be, even in those moments when we ourselves were doubting our realness, even when we anguished at our felt unrealness.

Just before I came to Decatur to do a book reading one year, I got an email from a woman named Laurie Foley who invited me to dinner at her house, with her book group, prior to the reading. I usually accept no invitations right before a reading, but when that invitation came in, for some reason I said yes. A friend said to me, “But Patti, you don’t know this woman! She could be an axe murderer!”  And I said, “I could be an axe murderer too, but she invited me for dinner in spite of it.”

It was the best “yes” I ever spoke. That axe-murdering book club dinner host became one of my best friends on Earth. As novelist Toni Morrison wrote, “She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” It’s good, as Toni Morrison wrote, and it’s rare. And you know what you have lost when you lose it.

Laurie listened and she asked the best questions ever asked, and she got to the heart of our hearts with great precision. And she made us laugh while revealing big truths. She was a true witness, rare, unrepeatable. We have lost a great witness.

Laurie Foley was a wise sage and a great consistency

I looked up Laurie’s doctoral dissertation once. I can summarize it in one word for you, “huh?” The woman was scary smart, unquenchably curious, able to navigate from the land of the mind to the land of the heart and back with unnerving quickness and depth of understanding. The mind and the heart, both were her native soil. This is rare, indeed.

Laurie’s dissertation was about fractals, those never-ending patterns that represent a profound consistency rarely seen in nature, and a beauty rarely found among humans. Fractal comes from “fractus”, which means broken/fracture, when it is really anything but fractured. It is reassembled, like a puzzle. And Laurie Foley loved a puzzle, yellow highlighter in hand. Fractals reveal structures that are hiding in plain sight, as did Laurie in both her life and her work. Fractals reveal other layers of the beauty of nature. Laurie’s ability to truly see people revealed layers of their beauty they weren’t even aware of. Laurie was a seeker of patterns and puzzles and sense-making her whole life. She was – and will continue to always be – a fractal, because fractals are never-ending. And, like fractals, Laurie was consistent in a way I’ve never known. We have lost a great consistency.

Laurie Foley was beloved

She was a witness, a sage, and one of the funniest people I’ve ever met. And she was beloved. I will simply quote from Raymond Carver: “And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did, and what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.” In the loving accounting of her days, Laurie Foley’s spreadsheet overflowed. I hope she knew that. She is beloved. She will forever be beloved, and our love for her will continue to deepen and widen, like the Grand Canyon, throughout our lives.

And lastly,

Laurie Foley was an alchemist, a model of great transformational energy

I asked Laurie to speak at a conference after she was diagnosed. “Let’s talk about that,” she said, one of her trademark phrases. I told her I wanted her to speak about “The Courage to Be Mortal”; she delivered a speech that received a standing ovation and that stunned us by its courage and beauty.

She said, “What makes us human is our ability to transform states of energy.” She told stories of her husband, Joe and how as they sat with this terrible diagnosis, he transformed the energy of terror into the energy of presence and love, and the energy of despair into the energy of commitment. She told of her father, who traveled 300 miles to be her chemo buddy, taking her by the shoulders when she said to him “you know you don’t have to do this,” and how his response: “don’t ever ask me not to come” transformed the energy of a terrified little girl into the energy of a beloved daughter.

She said, “Painfully, I came to realize that I felt entitled… I felt entitled to live 80 years. I felt entitled to have a long and happy marriage. I felt entitled to see my son grow up and have a family of his own. But I am not entitled, and I never was.”

“But I learned to transform the energy of entitlement into the energy of hope. I hope for a long and abundant life. I hope to witness everything that brings joy. I hope to be there for my husband when he has a crisis some day. I hope to experience love and connection as long as possible.”

She challenged us, and I am challenging you: “How do you want to use this amazing power that we have as humans to transform energy—for yourself, or for the people that you care about?”

She said, “You can choose and transform despair into commitment. You can choose and transform entitlement into hope. You can choose and transform mortal fear into molecule-rearranging love.”

And then Laurie reached down, and picked up a cupcake and said these words as she lit the candle to demonstrate another transformation of energy:

“So with this little cupcake, I hope you’ll remember that whatever really raw ingredients life may bring your way, you have the power to choose and transform them into something sweet, into something loving, and profoundly hopeful.”

These words are dedicated to you and to this family she so desperately didn’t want to leave.

Our job? To transform all this grief into molecule-rearranging love – and into soul-deepening gratitude for her being in our lives, then, now, and forever more.

Death ends a life, not a relationship. Your relationship with Laurie—your mom and sister and child and partner and friend—will continue, transforming you, always.

About Patti Digh

Patti Digh is an author, speaker, and educator who builds learning communities and gets to the heart of difficult topics. Her work over the last three decades has focused on diversity, inclusion, social justice, and living and working mindfully. She has developed diversity strategies and educational programming for major nonprofit and corporate organizations and has been a featured speaker at many national and international conferences.

43 comments to " Eulogy for a friend. "
  • Franky

    Such beautiful words to remember Laurie, thank you Patti ????

  • MARIETTA HEROD

    Beautifully written …BRAVA!!! <3

  • Alison Miyake

    Wow… Love to you, right where you are now. Was thinking of you and Laurie all day yesterday while visiting a sacred place, Miyajima. Your words are transforming. Sending blessings from my corner of the world

  • Heather

    Thank you for sharing Laurie.

  • Elle

    This is beyond lovely, Patti. I am so sorry for your loss; you were so blessed to have known this wonderful woman, though. I feel as if I knew her….

    Elle

  • Barbara Ramsay

    You portrayed Laurie so well. She would love ALL the things you said. It was ver comforting.

  • Tamara

    Your beautiful words do justice to Laurie’s memory. Thank you for sharing this, Patti

  • Kerry

    Thank you so much. I have never seen my 21 year old cynical college student son cry like that in his life. I kept reaching over to pat his knee, wondering who was this person sitting next to me. It was so unlike him. Your words obviously touched something in him.

  • hatt kelley

    So deeply moving. Deep loss, deep love, deep longing; new life, transformation, transcendence. Thank you Laurie for being Laurie. Thank you Patti Digh for being witness.

  • Shannon

    This is beautiful.

  • Sharon

    Oh my Patti, you nailed it.

  • Jane Hall

    Beautiful

  • Dennis Campbell

    I have gone to one funeral today and am waiting for a family visitation for another friend. Your words are certainly a goal for which to aspire.

  • Paula

    Simply beautiful. Simply.

  • Kath Comber

    What more could a person want – to be remembered with so much love and laughter. Some people never cross paths with such a person. Laurie blessed so many – ripples that will go on and on – the loss is great – Rest in Peace beautiful Laurie.

  • Debbie Schaffer

    This is a testimony to a life well lived. And to a life cut short too soon. With you as her truth speaking f friend, I am sure she felt loved! Thank you!!!

  • Jill

    Sweet Patti – I am often deeply moved by your words, but your tribute to Laurie makes me weep with both joy and despair. Thank you for sharing her with us. Thank you for all the love you give. I am so glad you found each other.

  • How wonderfully lucky you are to have known her, and to hold her in your heart the rest of your days. Big Hugs. -xo

  • Pam

    Thanks is a start. There is no end.

  • Patti, Laurie was a genius of the heart and the mind. The most recent evidence of that was her brilliance in asking you to deliver her eulogy. Thank you for these exquisite words of love, uplift and wisdom. Thank you for calling forth the essence of Laurie that survives and will continue to survive in each of our hearts and minds.

  • Stephanie Marks

    Beautiful, Patti. I expect Laurie was smiling down from among the stars as you delivered those heartfelt words. What a gift to have such a dear friend!

  • Thank you, Patti. I was not able to listen to the funeral this afternoon and reading your eulogy just now provided a sweet sacred moment of remembrance.

  • Jean S

    Lovely, Patti. I didn’t know her, but those who did will be deeply grateful for this. Of that I have no doubt.

  • terryhartley

    People like you and Laurie and words and ideas like these make me overjoyed to be a human being in this place at this time. Joy transformed from sorrow, though fragile and tenuous at times, is very sweet indeed. Thank you, Patti, for…well, you know–all of it.

  • Barbara Hardin

    You painted a picture.
    Your words, our thoughts.
    Laurie is surely smiling.
    We are changed forever.
    4×4
    Thanks, Patti

  • Kim Mailhot

    You transformed grief and sorrow into love and meaning. Beautiful, Writer-lady. ❤️

  • Michele

    Thank you, Patti. A beautiful soul was Laurie. A beautiful soul are you. How could you not find your way to each other? The world is richer because you did. Love.

  • Dana Reeves

    Thank you, Patti. Laurie will be greatly missed. Your words are salve to this saddened heart. <3

  • Nancy

    A beautiful, soulful farewell to your friend. Went right thru my heart. Very sorry for your loss, but so thankful of the clear wisdom your mutual friendship has brought to all of us. Thank you.

  • I will save and reread this blossom of love from the earth of grief.

  • Patti…Thank you for sharing these beautiful words you’ve written to honor your friend, Laurie. And thank you for this…”Grief is the long aftermath of love, the internal work of knowing, holding, more fully valuing what we have lost.” Yours, Laurie’s and Mark’s words have helped me to be more gentle with my own loss and grief today.

  • Lynnette

    Thank you for sharing.???? Beautifully written eulogy. What a truly beautiful goodbye. I am moved and just by reading this I feel as though, in some strange way, Laurie touched my life too. What an amazing woman she was and beloved by many.

  • Terri Belford

    Patti, how wise Laurie was to choose you to speak at her funeral. Your beautiful words transform loss and grief to the energy of love and gratitude.

  • Gerri Mungin

    Patti, I don’t know you and I didn’t know Laurie, but I wish I did. What a beautiful eulogy–such a comfort to her family and friends, I’m sure. She is just in the next room–just as sweet, loving and hopeful as ever.

  • cathryn

    Brilliant. Thank you for helping continue shining Laurie’s light — especially for those who didn’t get to meet her in person.

  • Cynthia

    Your words are a gift to a hurting world. Thank you my dear for sharing.

  • Tina Tierson

    Patti, you through Laurie have made an impact on lives, especially mine, so huge you can’t fathom. What a gift Laurie is to the world. As are you. xoxo

  • Pure Jade

    I knew that I had to wait to read this, in my own time, in my own space. And I knew that this would be great because you 2 are great. Thank you. I will mark this so that I can continue to absorb and learn from this eulogy, and I know that I will need to be reminded about how to hopefully live as well as Laurie and to feel as deeply as you Patti Digh.

  • Patti, Thank you for sharing this eulogy. We lost a treasure. She shared herself with all of us. I introduced myself when we met in person at a coaches’ meeting in Colorado. She had agreed to be a Facebook friend. Gave me access to read what she valued. She was the real deal and the same within social media as in real life. You captured how she saw people. Very touching.

  • Karen Cleveland

    Thanks for publishing this Patti. Even as I listened to you at the church, I knew I’d want to re-read this…

  • Bill

    Patti,
    We met at Laurie’s memorial at the church and then later at her sister’s home the next day. My wife and Laurie’s mother were the closest of friends, and the three of us were schoolmates, and have cherished this beautiful family for years. I am so glad that you published these words because I could not take them in at the service, my heart got in the way. Thank you again, your words mean much to us.

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