Reading this, I understood the mature Patti trying to reason with the writer, but I also felt the pain a parent must feel to be “scolded” so cruelly and so misguidedly. Never having been a parent, I can only imagine my rage if I were presented with this misplaced meanness. I once had a “friend” I would walk with frequently with our dogs. Each time I saw him I became more and more miserable because he continually criticized the size of one of my dogs head. ” He looks like he has a shrunken head like you see cannibals hanging around the fire,” said my very passive aggressive walking buddy. Had I considered the dog may be brain damaged, he would ask. Or maybe the dog is just too fat (he was not and is not), so his head looks out of proportion, Mr. Mean would continue. The dog in question is fine; in fact from the time we rescued him, only seven months old, he always made sure the last ( and normally oldest) dog and or person on a hike was never left behind. But those words haunt me still.

It amazes me the awful things people feel entitled to say to other people. I am blown away with the solutions you have given Tess to become comfortable in her world. I look forward to hearing about the person she becomes exactly because she is allowed to enter the world in a way that engages her and makes her comfortable and feeling safe. How different is Tess going out in her “costume” than the bad ass marine going out in his costume that makes him feel safe?

And old? For pity sake. That is laughable. If that were the case for many parents, then parenting should have an age restriction. Of course we know it is more about the writer than you or your family, but it still smarts. I envy Tess and her adventures in life. Both Emma and Tess have wonderful lives in front of them, full of creativity and promise that you, as her parents, have cultivated and nurtured. It would never dawn on me that they were living in bubble, but they are being groomed (weird word here) to have confidence, love and tools to live a life of joy. And each of them, like so many of us, will fly on their own wings at their own pace. What a gift you are giving them.

I have a son with autism and every single day, every single choice I make about raising him weighs on my heart. Am I doing enough? Can I fix this, cure this, is there some treatment I’m missing? Did I do something wrong when he was in the womb, did I vaccinate him too early in life, did I not love him enough when he was first born? But over time, I have learned that we navigate this path together and my responsiblity as his parent is to SEE him and let him evolve into whom he is meant to be to this world and which is always authentically unique. Thank God we are not all bad ass Marines, thank God some are, but Danny is Danny and that is all I care about.

You, Patti, are always a source of hope and inspiration to me. Watching you navigate Tess and her desires and beliefs and integrate it into a world where a stranger feels justified in judging you so harshly gives me hope that we are all going to be ok. There is a place here for everyone and everyone needs their space to be uniquely their own journey. I am always so thankful to see parents generous enough to allow their children to BE, absent of culture’s demands.

My new mantra of late as been, “All is well.” What I see from my perspective of you and Mr. Brilliant is the courage to be authentic, the courage to be vunerable, the generosity to share the hardships and the successes. In Tess, I see someone eager to find a way to connect and do her part to affect the world. She is an artist and budding entrepreneur who wants to bring joy to all she touches in a way that feels safe to her. In her mom I see total, complete REAL support and love.

All is well Patti, right here, right now. Brava!

Patti, I have always joked that as someone who has never had children, I obviously would have been the best parent. Anyone who spent any amount of time with my naughty, daft black Lab knows different. Anything I might say here is already obvious but I felt the need to let you know that over the last few years since I first read one of your books, the one where you refer to Tess keeping her teeny, tiny grape for weeks on end (and I paraphrase here) I have had nothing but complete and utter respect for you honouring her wants and needs in that way and treating her as a person within her own right. It touched my heart to the very core and I sobbed out loud for quite some time at the beauty of that. I sit at a distance, following your posts and am in awe at the two utterly amazing human beings you and your husband have raised. I know you do not need my respect, but you still do have it.

A wise friend once told me to always remember that what a person says or does tell you more about them than anything you said or did. Patti, you handled an inappropriate exchange with much more grace and forbearance than this woman deserved. Good for you.
As the father of a son with autism, I can vouch for the fact that you think about Tess’ future every day of your life. I pray to live long enough to do what is necessary to prepare my son for a world where he is kind and compassionate, surrounded by the loving-kindness of friends and family. I have never been able to predict what road my life would travel, much less my son’s.
I completely trust that you and John are doing what is in each of your daughter’s best interests. I understand this is hard. I know there are many, many people who have your backs. Let us know how we can help.

i have “known” you for several years, and I think of you as someone who is so bright, funny, kind and big-hearted. I say any child who gets to have you, and your lovely husband as parents is blessed.
Who knows how long any of us will be in this planet? You can have a child at 19 and be hit by a bus. You just don’t ever know.
I am unbelievably sensitive and exchanges like this are damn hard, and hurt. But if anything I felt sorry for her. For her resentment, her bitterness and her angry heart. Someone, or many someones didn’t show up for her, and now she goes through life resenting anyone who is giving what she so needed. You handled it graciously.
I admired you before you had Tess, and over the years that respect and admiration, and just plain liking you has grown exponentially. xo

I am a fellow “old person” raising a child with a disability and I have a school for children with autism. Life with a child with autism is hard enough without everyone and their brother insisting you follow their rules. You know your child and you are doing what you feel is best, and I love reading about it. Every time I do, I smile and know that Tess will be okay.

Yes. Yes, you may be so bold.

Patti,
You handled this beautifully…as you always do.

I am so sorry this happened to you. I admire the way you handled it. I am horrified by this and I don’t think I will ever understand how people can be so ugly-hearted. I’m sorry, but I can’t think of another word. Please know that you touch my heart in so many ways.

My autistic son was Mogli from Jungle Book, The Beast from Beauty and the Beast, and Woody from Toy Story. Sometimes for a year at a time. We homeschooled him along with his sister. He now holds four degrees, works at a university, functions better than most adults, has an extensive vocabulary, is quite possibly the smartest and most charming man on earth (parental wink), has amazing friends, uses his vivid imagination for design work, and has extreme compassion for others and gets outraged at injustice. This is what comes of a “sheltered” life. Keep on trucking!

i have a million supportive things rushing through my head to tell you. but i’ll share one: i am completely certain that among your nearest and dearest that there are countless souls who would gladly physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially take care of one or both of your girls should some untoward circumstance require it one day …. though it appears both are on track to be wonderful, self sustaining, conscientious citizens of the world, if they need help and support, they will always be able to have it. no doubt. i hope my children are so lucky as to have such a vast support system.

Dearest Patti, from reading your books and your posts, I have gathered something that I greatly admire about you. You don’t try to change people’s “colors”. Your acceptance of people’s gifts, weaknesses, strengths, and interests allows them to blossom as they should, not as society believes they should. I cannot help but wonder if the other woman wished she had done more stepping back, more letting go, more celebrating the uniqueness in her child and perhaps herself. We cannot know where her hurt comes from or why it was directed at you. But I ask that you not let her words dissuade you … I ask that you not hold on to them. You see, I was told to “toughen up” my very sensitive daughter at age 3 and those words haunted me. Thank goodness, I chose to let Natalie’s sensitive heart blossom as it should. She is now one of the most compassionate 11 year old girls I know. Everything I have learned about giving selflessly has been from her. I wish I had not held onto those woman’s hurtful words. I pray that by writing and sharing your story, it has freed you from those cruel, completely ridiculous words. I pray that you do not second guess the way you are raising Tess. She is so colorful, Patti. And I thank God for her beautiful colors and the mother who let those colors shine. Bless you.

Here’s what I saw, Patti: I saw a young girl who was getting hugs and smiles while interacting with people as Cynder. I cried when I saw that because I thought of all the days that she stayed home and did not get that type of love and interaction. It seemed so simple and loving and frankly, badass, that you and Tess found that path for her. Her courage is developing and is right there under that costume. No one has the right to trample on it however well meaning they might think they are!

I’m sorry that your friend did not see that too.

Your boldness at the end there is admirable–I laughed out loud–it could’ve gone in four word self help. Well, maybe not : )

xoxo

Wow. Just wow. What must be going on in that person’s life that causes her (I’m assuming it’s a her) to spew such inappropriate negativity? I admire you for showing such grace. I don’t think I would have been able to. Especially after the “old” parent comment, which hits close to home for this mature parent of a preschooler.

As we all know, this glittery thing is altogether a geeky one too. When I had each of my children, with their unique sets of blessings and challenges, I remind myself often ‘What Grace has given me, let it pass to them’. I am not the smartest, wisest, nor the most patient parent in the world. But, these two have broadened that so very much for me. Every child has their own unique shiny and rough points…because, you know, human.

I have yet to meet a parent that really does this completely right. I have a hard time with my daughter being so charitable and forgiving but I am forever amazed by her intelligent, attentive, quiet nature. My son is so brilliant, brighter than the sun…but with autism, yes, he suffers from such a fearsome temper and everyday is a lesson on steps forward and back. It is always exhausting, but in a good way. I live for watching them grow. I cry bitterly when I have failed them.

When a person points out their failings, I do always attribute it to myself, and my mother, who turns 60 this year, is always the cool and practiced voice of reason. To her, life for anybody, is a success if one simply sets out to do their personal best each day. I have relearned the art of defining ones boundaries and successes as accomplishments that make one a better, happier person.

I rarely allow anyone to speak out of turn about my children. Nor about our parenting choices. We spenbd far too long examining each of them, and so many are very different than how we were raised or expected to raise our kids. We truly try to tailor our parenting. Though we have never met, Patti, you have been one of my biggest influences. I have quietly read along and observed your relationship with your girls for a few years now.

You have let them define and create the scope of how they see themselves and the world. More importantly, how they choose to venture into it, and they are making such good choices. I would be more delighted to meet young people like this than ‘badass Marine’ man. Walk on by people like this. She didn’t even deserve the dignity of you responding to her, but you did define something important.

I’d LOVE to be part of your family. Please let me know when the next audition is as I would like to try out. All the best to you and your fam. xoxo

To “know” you is to love you. I love you, Patti Digh, for speaking your truth and doing what’s right for your family. Love does not have an age limit, a job title or a sense of self-importance that causes people to speak out of turn. xoxo to you and yours.

What a lovely response to a difficult situation that would naturally raise anyone’s hackles. I think the response I feel most deeply toward people who believe safety lies in physical power and guns is that I don’t want to live in a world where dominance is the only answer. You’re raising your daughter in a way that allows for a quirkier, gentler world where costumes are OK. As someone who spent a large part of her childhood and adolescence lounging around at home in a cat, dog, or gorilla costume, I salute you.

I was once a child with disabilities and I am now an adult dealing with disabilities. My parents, particularly my mother had to hear all sorts of “suggestions” including institutionaizing me from people who truly had no clue what they were talking about. When kids would tease me, my wise Mom gave me words to live by that she must have chanted when those people gave her cruel, unsolcited ill informed advice. “Consider the source.”

Hi Patti, I’m wondering if you would share if you have a philosophy or approach to communicating with people who you don’t know online who are behaving in ways similar to this woman (sadly, there are so many exchanges like this happening online everyday). Where do you draw the line between responding (in the hopes of reaching some understanding) and ceasing to respond (because it’s feeding the fire)? I’m asking because I moderate quite a few online communities and this is a constant struggle for me. I walk the line between trying to engage in a conversation that I hope will useful or just ignoring (and sometimes banning) people who are clearly not interested in a discussion but feel it is OK to hammer strangers with anger and judgement. Do you have any thoughts on this? I respect how you conduct yourself online and often wonder if you have perimeters for how you will engage with people. Thank you for being so open with your life – it’s brave and vulnerable and teaches us all so much.

I am so grateful for you.