in honor of the children who have died.

December 14, 2012 in General

In honor of the children at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut who went to school this morning to play in their brightly colored kindergarten classroom and clap their hands with glee at the very idea of recess–and never came home. In honor of their teachers who teach because they believe in education and in the potential of young people and couldn’t save them and got killed themselves. And in honor of their families whose beliefs about safety and horror have forever been changed. In honor of all those who will never be the same after today’s shooting.

In their honor, could we please have at least a 24 hour moratorium on making this very human, very personal, very real and unspeakable tragedy a political conversation about the right to bear arms, or whether bullets or guns or people kill people, or about anything else at all besides those children who were vibrant and full of life this morning and are now dead?

I talked to Tess about what happened at Sandy Hook this afternoon, using Martha Atkins’ suggestions almost to the letter. I urge you to read what Martha offered before talking with your children. I am also reminded of my friend Dave Rippey’s invaluable advice one time when Emma asked me a question I interpreted as being more adult than I expected at her age: Answer the question you’ve been asked. Not your adult interpretation of it, infused with your adult knowledge of the world, but the question they’ve asked.

We don’t watch the news in our house; if you do, turn it off.

Let go of your insatiable desire to know all the details.

Instead, light a candle for those precious tiny souls who experienced such horror just before leaving.

Instead, talk to your children about letting you know if they are in pain, or need help.

Instead, be still and honor what is and what was.

Instead, hug your family tight.

Tighter.

About Patti Digh

Patti Digh is an author, speaker, and educator who builds learning communities and gets to the heart of difficult topics. Her work over the last three decades has focused on diversity, inclusion, social justice, and living and working mindfully. She has developed diversity strategies and educational programming for major nonprofit and corporate organizations and has been a featured speaker at many national and international conferences.

39 comments to " in honor of the children who have died. "

  • Reply
    Ruth
    December 14, 2012 AT 5:16PM

    Amen — your words are perfect. thank you

  • Reply
    Lisa
    December 14, 2012 AT 5:41PM

    I usually agree with you, but today I do not. My heart is breaking for the victims and all who were impacted by today’s event. Our silence about the need for change, however, does nothing but allow more of these tragedies to occur. This horrific incident (and all that came before, and will surely come after) is our fault. We are to blame – every last one of us. It is our silence that has allowed this behavior to continue.

    As Ezra Klein of the New York Times so eloquently stated:

    “If roads were collapsing all across the United States, killing dozens of drivers, we would surely see that as a moment to talk about what we could do to keep roads from collapsing. If terrorists were detonating bombs in port after port, you can be sure Congress would be working to upgrade the nation’s security measures. If a plague was ripping through communities, public-health officials would be working feverishly to contain it. Only with gun violence do we respond to repeated tragedies by saying that mourning is acceptable but discussing how to prevent more tragedies is not. But that’s unacceptable.”

    • Reply
      Patti Digh
      December 14, 2012 AT 9:07PM

      I am going to repeat my reply to someone else: I believe you know I am, at heart, an activist. And I believe we might
      be in violent agreement on this. I am merely suggesting that we honor
      the children and the families first. For 24 hours. Just that. Let them
      be real people who died real deaths just for that split second before we
      politicize them. Just 24 hours while we catch our breath and learn to
      respond, not react. Because reacting has gotten us nowhere in this
      debate so far.

      • Reply
        Susan Magee
        December 14, 2012 AT 9:38PM

        Patti, you are such a lovely lady and I hope to meet you someday. Thank you for that strong offer. I feel certain that this horrific event is the tipping point. We will demand the conversation. But, for a mere 24 hours, I join you in honoring those who lost their life today and those who are experiencing the worst hours of their life.

  • Reply
    mj
    December 14, 2012 AT 5:57PM

    Yesterday, on the opposite coast, I was part of a school lockdown. My first. Today is a nightmare. Thank you for your calming words and link of “how to talk.”

  • Reply
    D. Lane
    December 14, 2012 AT 6:35PM

    I couldn’t disagree more: …’In their honor, could we please have at least a 24 hour moratorium on making this very human, very personal, very real and unspeakable tragedy a political conversation about the right to bear arms…” In their honor, let’s have this conversation NOW.

  • Reply
    Jeri Leach
    December 14, 2012 AT 8:20PM

    Patti, I love you, but I am not so sure about this. I am too sick with sadness right now to argue anything. I enjoy a good political argument, but I have never been one of those people who marches and pushes petitions to drive change. But above all things I am a mother. First and foremost, forever and ever, I am a mother. And my heart breaks. There must be a way to stop this. This may be my own personal tipping point. Yes it just might be. XXOO

    • Reply
      Patti Digh
      December 14, 2012 AT 9:06PM

      I believe you know I am, at heart, an activist. And I believe we might be in violent agreement on this. I am merely suggesting that we honor the children and the families first. For 24 hours. Just that. Let them be real people who died real deaths just for that split second before we politicize them. Just 24 hours while we catch our breath and learn to respond, not react. Because reacting has gotten us nowhere in this debate so far.

  • Reply
    Curtis Roberts
    December 14, 2012 AT 9:39PM

    I agree wholeheartedly with your suggestion. We’ve fairly recently cut down our consumption of television news and I doubt we’ll be going back to old ways. But tonight while preparing dinner I turned on the news for company and was appalled by the immediate politicization this matter received. Frankly during the afternoon driving to pick Jane up at school (and even closer to the event) I was shocked by that aspect of the coverage. I was even surprised that the president couldn’t seem to avoid shading his otherwise sensitive remarks with an insinuation of politics. It just gets worse and worse in some ways. Curtis Roberts

  • Reply
    Megan Stiles
    December 14, 2012 AT 9:54PM

    I agree completely. And to address the issue of collapsing highways or terrorist attacks, those are different. They are not currently supported by our constitution. Unfortunately, the right to bear arms is. This is going to be a different battle. A longer battle. A more decisive battle. One in which we must all engage, no matter our political position. The little children deserve a moment of silence, and their passing will not have been in vain if it heightens our awareness of the gifts that are our own children.

  • Reply
    Lacie Mackintosh
    December 14, 2012 AT 10:12PM

    I agree with you.
    Let’s lead with compassion instead of fear and anger. It’s sad that it takes
    such a tragedy for people to extend their emotions to strangers, but let’s take
    a moment to do this. Extend our hearts to all who have grieved heavy loss and all
    those who are experiencing it at this moment. And remember that we are the same;
    none of us know when or where we will die, just that at some point we all will.
    Love everyday beautiful or heartbreaking. This is where the change beings.

  • Reply
    Kimberley McGill
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:12PM

    I have come to love you so much Patti through Project 137 and other sources. I just don’t understand why a call to action on gun control does not honor the very real children who have died or been deeply affected by this horror. I know you are an activist and I know you aren’t saying we should ignore this. But I feel as if you are saying that someone like me, who is grieving, praying, holding my family close (especially the two school teachers in my life – my husband and my daughter), looking for ways to support the survivors while at the same time calling for action – I feel as if you are telling me that I am somehow disrespecting those who died and those who grieve for them today by making that call. I am not watching the news, but my heart has been heavy with grief since I heard about it this morning. I know what it is to lose a child to violence – my daughter took her life just a few years ago. Can you make space for those of us who can do both, whose motivations aren’t so much political as they are about wanting to do our best to put up obstacles for anyone who should not be in possession of a weapon. I grieve and I stand up today. I didn’t wait. I haven’t done anything wrong.

    • Reply
      Patti Digh
      December 15, 2012 AT 11:39AM

      I believe if you look at what I’ve written, Kimberley, you will see that all I asked for was 24 hours of mindful grief and love. That does not in any way preclude action–in fact, I call for that. Why do you feel that is calling you to task for your own actions? I believe we all respond in the way we must–my way is not yours.

      • Reply
        Kimberley McGill
        December 15, 2012 AT 12:13PM

        I may not have communicated very well. I know you asked only for the 24 hours of mindful grief and love, I don’t believe you are asking any of us to let go of any efforts to change our gun laws or make mental health a priority. However, by offering the list of things to do “instead” for yesterday it feels as if you are insinuating that those of us that did call for action yesterday were not doing any of those things along side our call for action. And the bolded part of the post seems to be saying that if we took action or spoke of anything else yesterday we were not honoring those children. I like the last sentence of your response very much, but I didn’t get that from your post. The post feels more like “do this, this way because if you don’t you are not honoring the children” I say “feels like” because I know that this form of communication is imperfect and because I know how vulnerable and full of sorrow we all are over this.

        All that being said, I feel honored to have this conversation with you. I honor your way of doing things yesterday. None of this changes the respect and love I have for you and your family. Huge changes are taking place in my life because of your books and especially from participating in Project 137. Thank you for all the ways you extend yourself to others and how you risk being vulnerable to speak your truth. Gentle hug coming your way.

        • Reply
          Patti Digh
          December 15, 2012 AT 1:11PM

          I don’t believe I ever write mandates. I only write my own truth and offer it into the world. It is yours to do with what you will. If you choose to feel indicted, that is your choice. I know you know that. If you choose to feel challenged or supported or enraged–all choices that are made by the reader, and all valid choices. But to reflect those back to the writer seems to take the reader out of the equation, when they are a vital part of how meaning is made.

          • Kimberley McGill
            December 15, 2012 AT 1:40PM

            That’s why I said “I feel” Patti rather than “You did” or “You made me feel” or any other kind of accusatory statements. I don’t feel indicted, I did feel challenged. Today I simply felt I wanted to clarify my statements, as I realized I wasn’t clear because I felt defensive (and that’s on me). And in the end feeling challenged isn’t such a bad thing. Again, much love and respect to you.

  • Reply
    Chibi Jeebs
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:20PM

    I agree 100% – let the slinging of accusations, political or otherwise, wait JUST a while.

  • Reply
    run4kelly
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:30PM

    Patti, I agree, We need to step back, to pause and grieve for this incredible loss. We just went through this in Aurora less than 5 months ago and the wounds in this community are far from healed. My son lost a friend of his from high school in the Theater shootings and the news of this shooting hit us all hard. I signed off of Facebook and Twitter earlier today. I can’t deal with another debate about gun control, mental health, not today anyway. Let’s light a candle, donate blood, turn off the television. We need to have a voice in this conversation. Tonight I am unplugging and going to have a good cry.

  • Reply
    QuinnCreative
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:31PM

    This is a time to honor the souls of the children and adults who died. After listening to two hours of details repeated endlessly, I found myself not needing to know more, hear more. Facebook was overflowing with emotion, as was TV, Twitter, and every other channel in my head. I retreated to my studio, practiced tonglin for an hour, then sat vigil till early evening. I did some work and am returning to my studio to continue with tonglin. I don’t need to be made more anxious, sad, angry and fearful. I need to find strength for an activist’s life that starts again tomorrow.

  • Reply
    Mary-Sue Nichols
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:43PM

    oh, Patti. thank you. i was reacting to all my friends’ posts about this event, and now i know why. i just needed it to be about the children. just for a few days. thank you. unplugging. hugging. thank you. <3

  • Reply
    Jerome Imhoff
    December 14, 2012 AT 11:59PM

    Patti… I used to be an elementary music teacher, and when I heard the news of the students who had been shot, I was beside myself with grief. I kept asking myself, “How could something like this happen? Why at this very holy time of the year?” Thank you for your voice… I agree completely. Those little lives, those teachers, those families, the community of Newtown, CT needs to be in our thoughts and prayers at this moment. I am also an activist at heart, and the conversation needs to be had again–I emphatically agree. But, now is not the time. Now is the time for healing and love. When the time comes to raise our voices in activism, we will remember… The argument does not lose its impact if we wait. But, we will miss the opportunity to truly be present to our grief and to truly love deeply in this moment!

  • Reply
    Teri Buthman Mahl
    December 15, 2012 AT 12:12AM

    I think that there might be many people out in the world who do not watch the news and possibly do not even know what has taken place today. For that lack of knowledge, I think they are lucky. It saddens me greatly to think of a child the age of my granddaughter not able to defend herself and being killed. But, I would not want my anger to taint my feelings of sadness, of loss. Hatred and disgust can only further the violence that seems to be pervading our world at this moment. We need to do just as you say: take the time to honor those souls that have left us. It’s a sad day for so many. I wish that I had not watched the news today. But, I did and the least I can do is quietly pray for peace, for love, for healing to all that need it. Thanks Patti for your suggestion.

  • Reply
    Niamh Clune
    December 15, 2012 AT 6:04AM

    The right to bear arms? Do mad people have the right to bear arms? How many sweet children will be slaughtered before this ridiculous.so-called, ‘right’ is recognised as the political farce it really is, a way in which to keep business flowing and with it, the blood of innocents? I was silent yesterday in shock and disbelief. I come from another part of the world. These are not just American children; these are all our children. Please wake-up, America. We manage democracy and personhood in other, civilised countries without having to play out our neuroses by looking down the barrel of a gun. There simply is NO justification for guns. America is not the wild west! Or is it?

  • Reply
    Mike Rusk
    December 15, 2012 AT 7:04AM

    Yes … thank you for these comforting words! Thank you for your courage to remind us to focus on the children and their families. Love you Patti.

  • Reply
    Kerry McCarville
    December 15, 2012 AT 7:33AM

    Thank you for this post. There is so much I want to say but not now.

  • Reply
    todoinst
    December 15, 2012 AT 7:41AM

    It’s possible to grieve for the victims of this tragedy, to sympathize with their families, to light a candle in the evening and say grace at dinner and to cry . . . and at the same time to take action and raise our voices over the injustice of a society who promotes violence and is unwilling to take the necessary steps to protect those who cannot protect themselves. These two responses are not mutually exclusive.

    • Reply
      Patti Digh
      December 15, 2012 AT 11:36AM

      I didn’t say they were. I asked for a mere 24 hours of mindfulness for the victims. I don’t believe that is going to in any way keep us from walking into the bigger problem. And may we please walk into that bigger problem from a place of thoughtfulness rather than rage.

  • Reply
    Janet Smith
    December 15, 2012 AT 8:32AM

    I think we need to offer the space for everyone to process this experience in their own manner — some need to talk, some need to be silent. Any comment on this tragedy, including my own at this moment is “noise” we are creating around this tragic event. There is no “right way” to honor the lives that were lost.

  • Reply
    Liesl Garner
    December 15, 2012 AT 9:50AM

    Bless your heart for sharing and continuing to share this request. Please let us honor their little precious lives. Before my 3rd grader returns to school, I will have to have a discussion with him. But for now, for right now, for last night and this morning, and the rest of today, we are playing and hugging., We learned about Newfoundland and Labrador – the gorgeous icebergs. Because that was our plan for Geography night. And they slept without worry or grief. For one more night.

  • Reply
    Brendan Howley
    December 15, 2012 AT 9:59AM

    Contemplating horror is hard. Mindfulness in grief is hard. Deciding next steps is no less of a challenge. There’s no greater challenge than reaching within, through the fog of affliction and anger and the sharp pointed terror (‘that could’ve been my child’) and finding the kernel of compassion.

    Innocents have died, horrifically, absolute innocents, defenseless, utterly and completely victims. The heavens cry out for such a loss. No sidebar: as I parse the news, an entire family save one son has been massacred by a damaged, damaged soul.

    I live in Canada; I grew up in downstate NY, in Poughkeepsie, just across the state line from Danbury. I know Newtown. I recoiled when I heard the news on the CBC, not least as a parent but because this tragedy was so close to my own childhood. Yes, we must honour the dead. And twenty four hours of media abstinence is a great focus on setting one’s own moral compass for what happens next.

    But what happens next is indeed up to us: as a lapsed Catholic turned Taoist (via Susan Piver), the phrase that resonates most for me is the Hebrew charge to those us this side of The Divide: chesed shel emet (forgive my phonetic Hebrew)—‘to honour the dead with acts of loving kindness.’

    What greater act is there? What better example? What greater fuel for change than that?

    Then, our children and our own families sheltered as best we can, our own lives aligned with clarity of purpose, we act, in honour of those who died. One day to grieve and to resolve not to give into being overwhelmed by the senselessness but to find a scintilla of meaning—and then to act.

    Here’s why: http://www.guardian.co.uk/news/datablog/2011/jan/10/gun-crime-us-state. That’s why we act. Even from here, in Canada: we can act. I think it was Einstein who said ‘All the beautiful sentiments in the world weigh less than a single loving act.’

    Act: persistently, relentlessly, so that not one more innocent human being is taken from this beautiful earth by tools designed to kill. To give some small human meaning to mass murder—not just because it’s right but because it’s the very best we the living can do in honouring the dead.

  • Reply
    Sharon Lowe
    December 16, 2012 AT 1:30PM

    Patti, Thank you for your alternative activism–a 24 hour moratorium on reactivity that allows for grief and the recognition of pain without the need to shut it down through blaming, through woulda, shoulda, coulda thinking or other tidy little fixes. Practicing mercy means recognizing that everyone is a victim in this–including the perpetrators and those who loved them. We need to let people feel what they feel without goading them to keep a stiff upper lip or declaring that their lives are forever ruined–without the possibility for resilience, recovery or future joy. Our rush toward recrimination and “lock and load” solutions for the future, though aimed at protection, can also make us less present to those who are experiencing new or renewed grief. Let’s first try to be present for them and for our selves so they/we will know they/we are loved and that life continues to be worth living. Being still and present will help create space for the deeper, thoughtful, lasting changes needed to prevent mass homicides in the future. Taking time to be still, honor what is, what was and what can be will help us heal and act with wisdom.

  • Reply
    Unspeakable Love « A Thousand Shades of Gray
    December 16, 2012 AT 5:37PM

    […] Patti Digh: On her blog 37 Days, in honor of the children who have died and a quiet offering, and a post on her blog 3x3x365 (co-authored by two other equally amazing […]

  • Reply
    Maya Rachel Stein
    December 17, 2012 AT 5:26PM

    Patti – I agree wholeheartedly. I was struck most by this sentence: “Let go of your insatiable desire to know all the details.” The media frenzy fills us with data but it hardly connects us to that place in ourselves that actually takes in the magnitude and complexity of the tragedy. I think taking time – and I would consider 24 hours an absolute minimum – to absorb and understand the real topography of what happened is absolutely essential in guiding us toward making responsible decisions. Thank you so much for the reminder that it’s not only okay to grieve, but imperative.

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