addicted to busy.

March 5, 2012 in VerbTribe

VerbTribe has been an extraordinary journey for me as a teacher, and for those who have joined it. As we close our first 37-day journey into writing, I am going to feature writing from members of the VerbTribe here on 37days–pieces they have written during the time we have gathered as a tribe around the campfire to write, talk, laugh, cry, learn, and be. Here’s the second of those pieces, written by Frances Banks whose writing first appeared on 37days when I was counting down to the launch of Life is a Verb by asking “what would you be doing today if you only had 37 days to live?” She continues that exploration here, in a raw and honest piece written for VerbTribe as we explored what keeps us from writing. Her blog is here.

Addictions take many forms. Alcohol, smoking, drugs, sex, shopping, porn. My addiction is perhaps more insidious and yet, totally socially acceptable. I am addicted to being busy. I use being busy and productivity as the material I need to plug the hole in my heart caused by a massive, gaping competency wound.

I am not going to explore how I got that wound … because I already know. I want to look at how this addiction puts a filter on my life and I don’t even realize it. For example, I will completely over-commit and almost kill myself to make something happen in order to attract attention or admiration. I have a hard time saying NO because I don’t want anyone to think I am lazy. I need to hear others say “Wow, you are amazing. How can you do all this ???” because deep down, I don’t believe it myself. But then, in probably the biggest mind game of all, I routinely deflect the praise or admiration of others and say “Do what? Oh, all this? It’s nothing … ” despite having just nearly killed myself to not fail or disappoint.

I guess you could say that I get high on delivering the impossible and the busy, busy, never resting activity that it takes to do it. I medicate with constant motion. I am a blur moving past my children to pick up around them as they chill on the couch and enjoy life. If I do sit down it’s with a device in my hand and I keep working. I pack my days to the brim and at the end of the day feel that I haven’t gotten nearly enough done.

Of course I don’t feel like I do enough. I am doing IT ALL for the wrong reasons.

Alcohol never quenches the real thirst. Sex without love and commitment never touches the soul. Likewise, my addiction to being busy will never ever “plug my holes” and make me whole.

-Frances Banks

About Patti Digh

Patti Digh is an author, speaker, and educator who builds learning communities and gets to the heart of difficult topics. Her work over the last three decades has focused on diversity, inclusion, social justice, and living and working mindfully. She has developed diversity strategies and educational programming for major nonprofit and corporate organizations and has been a featured speaker at many national and international conferences.

9 comments to " addicted to busy. "


JoAnn Leenerts Summers

March 5, 2012 AT 11:09AM

A great analysis, blunt and straight to the heart of the matter. Thanks

Lharris

March 5, 2012 AT 2:41PM

I just read these words from Frances…….heard her reality and felt myself saying out loud “pay attention to this…” thanks….

Homeschoolmarm

March 5, 2012 AT 6:07PM

Confession: Yup! I totally relate to this one. It is entirely too painful to slow down. I will literally cry for hours over the heartache I feel when I do slow down. Keeping busy helps me to not think of it.

Penny L. Arrowood

March 5, 2012 AT 7:16PM

I look much like a bobble head doll right this minute, as I nod in agreement while shaking my head that someone else could be living this way, too (O.o) Busy you may be, Frances, but you are also very brave! I really wish I couldn’t relate to what you have said; alas, I ‘relate’ because I travel this road of ‘proving,’ too — it is my fervent wish that we both find a better way, a smoother path, a calmer approach (soon!).

Peggy

March 5, 2012 AT 11:36PM

Worry is my drug of choice.

kathryn jennex

March 6, 2012 AT 3:52AM

Powerful, honest writing.

I know this feeling. I know what resulted from doing this for years and years was a breakdown. Complete shut down. Self-care is something women have been struggling with forEVER. I
really hope in some way you can begin to slow down, take time, be mindful and well.

I hear you.

with love, K.

sarahwaldin

March 6, 2012 AT 1:54PM

great posting I love it. this is the addiction of our new-ish age – self-worth through doing stuff all the freaking time. Wish I could shake it. Trying to learn to STOP. thanks for the reminder. xx

Carol

March 6, 2012 AT 2:46PM

Beautiful and true…

Lisa

March 9, 2012 AT 10:26AM

Frances,

I feel like you are living my life…or I am living yours. I love being busy. I love being able to do and achieve more than anyone else. If I rest, I feel lazy and unworthy. Thanks for sharing.

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