Day 14 :: Move beyond reciprocity

I’d probably first note that I’ve hated Wednesdays since I was six and they were Piano Lesson Day, so it would just fit that I’d have to say goodbye to the world on a Wednesday, wouldn’t it?

I would pay attention to the way wonderful food tastes. I would stop eating when I feel like I’m supposed to or usually do. I would pay attention to the way it feels when I run, when I sweat, when I cry, when I take a hot bath or a cool shower, and make sure every sense feels every instant of it.

I would cash in every penny of savings I had and see as many of the places on my List that I could get to. I would invite a couple of people along for the whole trip. I would invite others along for certain parts. I would finally come to terms with that being my M.O. in life – I have very different people in my life that fit with the very different pieces of me. I would stop trying to change it for these last 37 days.

I would tell my father that I knew he had tried to be a good son and brother and father and husband. That sometimes it had felt easier for him to not pay much attention to what was difficult and scary, rather than dealing with it, so he avoided a lot of things he should have faced head-on and gotten over with, but that I knew he had tried. And that I loved him.

I would tell my mother that I knew she had tried to be a good daughter and sister and wife and mother. That sometimes it had felt easier for her to hide away from what was difficult and scary, rather than trying something new, so she gave up thinking she could ever be better, but that I knew she had tried. And that I loved her.

I would explain to each of them that the reason I finally understood is because I realized I’ve been doing the same things. Even after all the judging I did of them. Especially after all the judging. I would realize that being afraid is the root of just about every problem in the whole world. I would wish I knew that earlier. (Come to think of it, I hated Piano Lesson Day because I’d get in trouble for not practicing. But I didn’t practice more, and I didn’t tell anybody I wanted to quit. I just stayed unhappy. Poor little kid.)

I would tell my brother that that the world is giving him all kinds of wonderful things that he deserves because he is even more wonderful than that, and he should enjoy every single second of it. That he is just about my best friend in the world and that I love him so much.

I would tell my friends that they make all the difference in my life.

I would screw up the courage to tell two people that once-upon-a-time I had been ready to give my heart to each one of them, to love them silly and be the best thing that had ever happened to them, if they had asked for it. To let them know that I thought that they were worth that. But I wouldn’t wait to be asked for the rest of these 37 days, and will just give my heart to the people I care about and not wait till I see what I might get in return. I would stop being hurt if what I got back didn’t meet some secret measurement in my head. And if I someone did want to give me their heart, this time I would look at it very carefully and make sure that it was exactly right for me before getting overwhelmed by the gift and saying yes when I didn’t mean it.

I would remember that sometimes "yes" hurts a lot more than "no." Usually when "yes" is the easier thing to say and "no" is the scarier one. I would listen to that little voice inside – listen to it above all others, above all else, above every other overwhelming noise in my life – because that little voice is always, always, always right.

I would tell an awful lot of people that I loved them an awful lot, an awful lot more often. (Sometimes that’s the scariest thing of all to say.)

I would wonder why I needed Wednesday, September 24 to scare me into any of this, but I wouldn’t feel guilty or angry. I would give myself a hug and go ahead and do it all anyway. Especially, yes, especially the scariest parts."

–Sarah Morgan

Sarah reveals so much to us in these few words – that we should listen to that little voice inside, that we need to move beyond reciprocity and give freely without regard to "return on investment," that we need to recognize and love people for trying, and much more. My thanks, Sarah, and a copy of Life is a Verb will be posted to you soon.

[If you’d like to answer the question, "What would I be doing today if I only had 37 days to live?", email your answer (along with your mailing address and photo) — those chosen to be posted before the book’s official publication date on September 2nd will receive a free, signed copy of Life is a Verb.]